Man Journal

[mouse]

Dear MJ,

Heaven's gates won't open up for me,

[/font][/color]
With these broken wings I'm fallin',
And all I see is you, [/font][/color]
[/right]

Okay. So… Aunt Julia sent me this stupid journal because apparently I need to record my life. That way, when I become rich and famous I can write a biography. At least she’s more enthusiastic than Mom. Oh. I also was sent this like a month ago but I forgot about it… But I’m bored, just chatting online so I figure I’ve got nothing better to do right? So let’s start off with who I am, then I can start the wonderful story that is my life. So, name’s Vesper Monroe, possible relation to Marilyn Monroe, Dad’s not entirely sure. Birth name? Victor Jace Knox III, at age twelve my last name became Monroe, and I legally changed my name to Vesper when I was sixteen. Okay… So that’s the basics. As of right now I’m eighteen years old and in my first semester of senior year. Yeah, I started a year late, I did not fail. I’m going to St. Thomas Academy, it’s in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Am I from Sioux Falls? Yes and no… But that’s the start of my story, right?

Really, I come from New York, New York, the apple. Whatever you want to call it. I was born to my Mom, Marietta Knox (we got Knox from my Nonno, he's technically Irish, but was adopted into an Italian family) and she was all alone. Dad skipped town when he heard she was knoxed up. Ha. See what I did there? KONXED… yeah. I’m not funny. Anyway, he skipped town and moved to Sioux Falls, where his mama lived. Mom was okay with it, really. She raised me just fine if I do say so myself. Taught me how to be a real gentleman. See, she was only twenty at the time, and was still obsessed with finding a Prince Charming, so she raised me to be one for some lucky girl. Mom was also a fantastic pianist for the New York philharmonic when I was a kid, she was amazing. Once I hit the age seven though, she quit and started teaching lessons, that way she could home school me. Stupidest thing she ever did. Well… Almost. I did fine in school, she taught me how to play piano and people all over New York were astounded by my skill. I was like some protégée or something. My mom was so proud… Until I found something in the back closet. Dad’s old acoustic, the one he left behind. I wanted to play guitar and set about teaching myself. Mom got me lessons, deciding music was music.

Life went about that boring manner until I was eleven. Bad year, let’s just put it that way. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You’re going to Junior high Vesper. ALSO! GUESS WHAT! Diabetes. Oh AND Daddy’s coming back. Most kids would be thrilled, and at first, I was. Heck, I’d always pictured my Dad as this amazing musician, my idol. He wasn’t. My Dad was the opposite. He was a drunk slob. The first thing he said to me was ‘Why’re you so scrawny? You didn’t get any of my blood, huh?’. Nice… Mom was infatuated with him again and within the year they were married. I was now officially a Monroe. And the local geek. Let’s just say Mom never made me mingle with people as a kid, I was a loser then minute I hit school grounds. Seriously it was like a T.V show. Kids tripped me in the hall, weggied me after school, girls knocked the books from my arms… It was pretty pathetic. It tore Mom apart. So we moved. To Sioux Falls, in hopes I’d fit in better. I didn’t, it was exactly the same. Vesper the dork. I lived with it, can’t change yourself for others right?

So, not only was I facing horrible school peers. Get this, Dad was a violent drunk. Not to Mom, no, he just yelled at her. Me? Oh he smacked me. Bad marks? BAM. Didn’t practice my music? BAM. Got in his way? BAM. Didn’t eat my dinner? BAM. Didn’t thank Mom for dinner? BAM! You probably get the point… I hated my life. I really did. I was a kid who considered suicide. I did. I mean, I lie to people because they’d label me an ‘emo kid’… But I did. When I was sixteen, I was so miserable that I’d stare at the knives while doing dishes and wonder how long it would take to bleed out if I stabbed myself. I’m not proud of it… But then I started to change. You know, I started realizing that things could get better for me. All I had to do was get through high school, then I could move out and start trying to get demos out. Life could work out for me. I turned around there and started not caring what people said, what they did. I’ve become rather unsociable, I know…. But I’d rather be the lone horse on my own thoughts then let other people tell me I have to be a loner.

So yeah. You’re all caught up there MJ. I’m going to call you MJ, because you’re my Man Journal. Okay? Okay. Good. Anyway. Caught up… That’s my life story in a quick blurb. It’s like a sob story… Pitiful. Just wait till I hit it big, then the stories will get much better.

Come please I'm callin', [/font][/color]
And all I need from you',
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin', [/font][/color]



-Vesper[/font][/color]

[mouse]

Dear MJ,

When I saw you wave goodbye,

[/font][/color]
It made me smile while it made me cry,
I never thought I'd see the day,[/font][/color]
[/right]

So. Guess if I’m keeping you all up to date with the boring story that is my life, another entry is in order huh? I promise it wasn’t be as long as the last one. The last one had to tell you all of my life up till now, this one is telling you about a couple days. So. Yeah. Still in high school, still failing math and still hating Chemistry. The pluses? I think I may have a friend. Which, you know, doesn’t sound like much but to me, it’s a pretty big deal. I’ve never had a friend before, except for my cousin and Tabatha in grade seven. Tabatha doesn’t count though, because she was only at school for two months and didn’t know English, so I’m pretty sure she only stuck by me because the teacher told her to. Anway. My friend. Her name’s Sabina. S-A-B-I-N-A, not SabRina. Not sure why I did that… Moving on. She’s a junior, and an artist. We’ve been talking online and she came over to bring me pie. Fantastic pie I might add, who knew you could turn oreos into pie? I must behind in the times or something. Jeez I am really getting off topic… I’d erases all that junk by my Aunt says to keep everything, that way I have funny little quirks to write about.

I did it again. Back on focus! Sabina. So. Auntie also says to describe people I meet, so I might as well focus on Sabina. Next entry I’ll tell you all about Hiroko, you’ll love her. But we’ll focus on Sabina this time. So she’s a redhead with a green eyes. Like vivid green, way more green then my eyes. Then again, mine are hazel… Anyway. She’s shorter than me, but not by much I guess. I’m not exactly a huge guy by any means. Thin, but pretty. I swear, I almost did that thing in movies where the guy stands there and his mouth opens and closes like a fish. Yeah. What can I say? I’d never really seen her before, I had around the school but I didn’t know who Sabina actually was. So, that’s the physical right? Let’s get to the personality, or what I know of it as of now. She’s pretty nice, and a lot like me… She puts her work down, lacks self confidence but keeps telling me I’m destined for great things. Not sure how to take that, I’m not exactly used to peer judgment on my music. She’s really encouraging, pretty funny too. But she seems to have a bitchy side too, like any girl I suppose. Some chick was flirting with me online and talking about some Ty. I think it’s the Ty in my year, could be wrong. Oh. And ‘some chick’ is Savanna, definitely from my year… Whole thing made Sabina flip, it was like a switch. But hey, it wasn’t like it was one sided. It was a cat fight. If they’d been in the same room I’m willing to bet there’d have been hair pulling.

So. As a summary (wouldn’t my English professor be proud), Sabina is a charming person. I guess I feel weird about it though… Nobody has ever given me a second glance and not said something snide, spat at me or something along those lines. Nobody has told me that my dorky nature is cute. Hell… She pushed my ‘I don’t give a fuck about what anyone says’ façade out of the way day one. It’s kind of nice to be liked.

So if you're feeling all alone, [/font][/color]
Remember good times,
Or remember home, [/font][/color]



-Vesper[/font][/color]

[mouse]

Dear MJ,

What hurts the most,

[/font][/color]
Is being so close,
And having so much to say, [/font][/color]
[/right]

I know, I know, I promised a Hiroko entry next. But something else came up I feel the need to rave and rant about. Prom. Oh yeah, my favourite part of high school. I hate social events like that, where all I’d do is sit there and watch everyone else have fun. Oh yeah, sounds like a blast. Not so much actually. I skipped out on junior prom, and had every intention to do so again. The only problem? It’s for marks! Like what school makes a prom mandatory? Each group of students is in charge of something and they get marked for it. Art folks make decorations, photographers click away the whole night. Us musicians of course are in charge of the dance’s music. I outright told my music director that I’d take a fail on the project. His response? I’m now in a duet with this girl, Cameryn. That way if I skip out, she loses out. Of course, I’m too nice to do that to her… I’m too nice for my own good period. Want a rant on why? Do you? Tough if you don’t MJ, cause I’m going to rant.

I convinced Sabina last night that getting back together with Ty was a fantastic idea. Why? Because I want her to be happy, not all mopey and worried that it’s not right. Then I realized that was the most selfless thing I think I’ve ever done… I’m usually pretty focused on me… And god damn was it ever a hit in the gut. “Oh yeah, breaking up with Ty was the stupidest thing I ever did. We’re perfect for each other’ … Reading those words was like getting pummelled by my Dad… Except there are no bruises. But… It’s all good, because I made her happy… Right? I am such a loser… Wasn’t I supposed to convince her how wrong he was for her? No… That’s not me. I’m such a fuckin wuss. I could have tried to convince her… But that seems like a cheap thing to do. I don’t want her to do something and regret it.

Okay. Moving on. I have writer’s block. It’s pissing me off in an epic way. I’ve never had writer’s block that’s lasted more than a few hours… I’m going on like day four. I’m so distracted, between school, my parents and prom that I can’t focus on anything. I guess one thing’s easy though, me and Cameryn have a song for prom, so that’s one stree off my chest. Sabina actually suggested it… Though it was on my consideration list, only because my Mom used to play it all the time. As a kid I never really understood it… But now I know exactly why she played it. Hello, Lionel Richie. That means I get to put forth my piano skills… Haven’t told my Mom yet, but she’ll be pleased. But I guess that’s it for now… Going to try and write some music again…

I would trade give away all the words, [/font][/color]
That I saved in my heart,
That I left unspoken, [/font][/color]



-Vesper[/font][/color]

[mouse]

Dear MJ,

When you walk my way,

[/font][/color]
Hope it gives you hell,
Hope it gives you hell, [/font][/color]
[/right]

Alright, so here’s the low down on what’s happening right now. To start, I’ve been working on prom stuff. I know, because I’m so excited. I debated a few things and decided a tux is a waste of money, I’m only going to be there a few minutes. The few minutes has increased though, only because I now have to do one dance. God damn that girl is stubborn, once she gets something in her, MJ, it’s not about to leave. Apparently I can’t live if I don’t have at least one dance at my senior prom… So one song, one dance then I’m out. Ten minutes, right? Not worth the money it’ll cost me to rent a tux. Or rather Mom… I called her and said I was borrowing one from someone at school. She believed me… Luckily. I’m just going in jeans, I’m not even joking. On, and out. Bam. Done. Makes me sound like a hooker… Huh… Wow… And I laughed at that. I really am quite a tool… Anyway, I promised you a entry on Hiroko, didn’t I? Let’s get into that.

So, we’ll start with physical. She’s tall, thin, and really, really pretty. She is in the modelling group, so that’ll give you some idea. If you didn’t guess from her name, she is indeed Asian, and I believe she once said she was from Japan. She looks like she could be really nice… But don’t fall for it. She’s rather blunt and tells the truth. That doesn’t sound bad… Right? WRONG. W-R-O-N-G wrong! She’s very… Calm and collected. Cool even, not like ‘Oh, I’m so fly’ cool, but like cold. She’s truthful, but in the rude way, I mean she’s so brutally honest it’s ridiculous. She’s snide and makes rather irritating remarks about everything around her that’s said. Whether they be provocative or otherwise. For example, I’ll be online just chatting and out of the blue she’ll be like “Oh. Still pinning over Sabina?” or something like that… When Sabina is in the chatroom. Like is she just guessing? I don’t think so, she just seems to know shit and it kind of freaks me out. Like my name, my old name, Victor Knox III, NOBODY knows my old name. I never went by Victor, the attendance lists all said Vesper because I asked them to. How the hell did she know my name? I highly doubt she read you, so what did she do, get into the school records?

That brings me to my other point about that woman. I can’t call her a girl… She just doesn’t fit it. She seems obsessed with finding out things about people. Like my name. She constantly harps on this Trent guy about his past, his ‘Daddy issues’… She did the same to me one day too, just randomly started questioning me about my Dad and what he did to me. Of course I didn’t tell her… I don’t know if I consider that a rude trait or not… Asking about people’s history isn’t exactly rude, but the way she does it is. And I kind of am curious why she cares… What does it matter to her if my ‘daddy issues’ were that he hit –hits- me. What does it matter to her what Trent’s past is like? Trent obviously has no positive feels towards her. What did he call her? It was poetry almost… A cold hearted robotic sociopathic bitch? I think that was it… Something along those lines anyway. She’s like this uber nosy girl… I can kind of understand why she’s about as social as I am…

People are actually scared of her… Like Sabina said Trent is legit scared she’ll kill him in his sleep. He said that she’d look down at his body and smile… It freaks me out, but I can’t say I’m scared shitless of her… She’s just intimidating I suppose. I have no urge to get to know her that well… Even though she could be a rather interesting person I bet.

Then you're the fool, I'm just as well, [/font][/color]
Hope it gives you hell,
When you hear this song I hope that it will give you hell, [/font][/color]



-Vesper[/font][/color]

[mouse]

Dear MJ,

And there’s so many things,

[/font][/color]
That I want you to know,
I won’t give up till it’s over,[/font][/color]
[/right]

Okay… So it’s been a few days and some big things have happened .Guess I should start with the most pressing to you… Well my guess is that’s most pressing. What am I saying? You’re a stupid book, you don’t care what I’m writing. Let’s start with Sabina and Ty, because everyone wants to know my crush life. Ty and Sabina are no more… Because of me… Even if I tried my best not to, it happened. I wasn’t there but apparently he did it in the school chatroom. Let me fume about what a selfish, asshole move that is. Dumping someone because you’re not trusting them around their friend is bad. Dumping them for that reason online is cowardly. Doing all that in the public eye of the school? What the hell was he thinking? Didn’t he have a clue?! There were enough rumours about her being a slut as it was, but for him to suggest that she was cheating in front of the school? What a self-centered asswipe. Okay. I’m done… I usually don’t beat down on people, being the one who was used to that. But that’s wrong on so many levels… I may not have a lot of relationship experience, but even I know that’s not the way to do it. And despite the anger, I can’t help but feel guilty too… If I hadn’t started spending so much time with Sabina, nobody would have started the stupid rumours and Ty wouldn’t have had reason to break up with her right before prom.

Speaking of prom. New plans. See me and Sabina came up with this thing, she’s going to try and teach me to get an artist’s point of view and in return I’m teaching her piano. First lesson is after I ditch prom, she’s coming with and we’ll ninja it into the music wing. Curious to see if she has any potential actually. I’ve never tried to teach anything to anyone. Watched Mom do it a million times, so I have an idea what to start with. It’ll be interesting, let’s go with that. I feel bad for her… I mean, she seems to be coping okay with the break up… But something seems off. I know I’ve only known her a week, but she just seems… Different. Maybe it was the fact she’d been so excited about prom that changed so suddenly. Then there’s her whole lack of muse problem. I’m trying to help her, but I’m no painter. She’s said it’s been a week. I ain’t stupid, that’s one funny coincidence. I don’t like this… I love having a friend, but I hate the drama this is causing. Our dance? Probably a bad idea, it’ll only solidify those stupid rumours… But I didn’t want to let her down either. Especially when I had to convince her to wear a dress… I feel like I’m trying to pick up pieces, but I can’t see them and don’t know where they go. She doesn’t seem upset at one point, then the next says something that indicates she is… I’m not entirely sure what I can do. I don’t want it to seem like I like her… I mean, I do… But it’s way to soon to even let the subtest hint get to her.

Jeez. So this is what I’ve missed all through high school huh? Crushes, break ups, heart break and bitter feelings. Can’t say I’m too glad to be involved. The only thing that seems to make it worth it is when I make that pretty face smile and see those gorgeous eyes light up. Hm. I’ll need to mark this page, those could make good lyrics. I love how this entire entry is about Sabina… Well, not like much else has really sparked my interest… Everything else is the same old high school, right?

[/blockquote] That if you fall, stumble down
I‘ll pick you up off the ground, [/font][/color]



-Vesper[/font][/color]

[mouse]

Dear MJ,

I'll never be the same,

[/font][/color]
If we ever meet again,
Won't let you get away,[/font][/color]
Said if we ever meet again, [/right]

Obviously writing in you isn’t going to be a daily thing. My life is way too boring to come up with something to write everyday. So let’s start with what’s happened since my last entry. School wise, not all that much has happened. Passed a math test for once… But it was multiple choice and a monkey could pass one of those. Most of my classes have been pretty dull, and they don’t hold my interest at all. I mean, even bio isn’t keeping me on the edge of my seat, and that’s my favourite core. I’ve been really focused on my music, I guess that’s why. I have to keep my average up to stay here until graduation, but it’s hard when I’m looking at getting my first demo done in the next week or so. Mom’s taking me Minneapolis where we got a session in a recording studio. I could have done it with the music director, but I like the idea of going to a big city to do it. Now I just have to pick the songs I think will be best for an audition and decide who to send it to. I’m really excited about the whole thing, what if this is my break? I can’t start to imagine how amazing it would be to get a label before I even graduate. Mom says even if I get signed though, that I should finish high school, whether by school or private tutors. I get where she’s going there, who’s to say if I get signed that it’d be a huge band? Might just fizzle out…

Alright, classes and plans done. Back to the past few days. Prom has come and gone and to be honest? It wasn’t as bad as I thought, I stayed for a bit longer than planned because I wasn’t allowed to go in late and just do my song. So I hung around backstage and helped out the director with the sound and light boards. Then I got up, did my thing and got off. The performance went well, me and Cameryn did a pretty good job, not to sound big-headed. Then I did my one dance with Sabina and we left for the music wing for her first piano lesson. Let’s just say I’ll never make it as a teacher, there wasn’t much teaching happening. We were distracted and really just spent the time goofing off. Not to say we didn’t do anything in terms of piano… There was one point where I was getting somewhere, then turned my head as she asked me to repeat it and found her face like an inch from mine. I’ve never felt my heart shudder to a halt before, but I’m pretty sure that was what happened. I could smell her shampoo, feel her breath on my face, she was that close. If it was a stupid romance movie, we would have kissed. Of course, life isn’t a movie and I knew that was out of the question… Then I jumped back and managed to tip the piano bench over and land on my head. Some Prince Charming, huh? Suave, thy name is NOT Vesper. Then I didn’t even come up with a very good excuse. “A bug crawled up my pant leg.”

Besides my tumble though, the night wasn’t bad. One thing though… Was I the only person that found it creepy that Ty took a date that looked a lot like Sabina to prom? I mean, to me, Sabina is far different, but with a quick glance… I don’t know, maybe it’s a coincidence, but my ‘obsession alarms’ are going off… At least her name’s not Sabrina. I don’t actually know her name, but I’m 99% sure it’s not Sabrina. Whatever, not my business though I’m sure I ain’t the only one who noticed. Alright, prom’s behind us, so let’s look at the now. I don’t know for certain, but between rumours and her behaviour I think the prego-Hiroko rumours are true. She had a ‘girl talk’ what Sabina and Hannah a little while ago, of course I didn’t stick around but if she’s not pregnant she’s doing a good job of making it look as though she is. Who the hell would be the father is my question… Again, it’s not my business so I’m not too worried, it’s just so weird. Hiroko was the LAST girl on the list of girls that were going to get knocked up before graduating. Look at me… Gossiping to a book, I really am a loser… Anyway, out for now.

Hope you don't see me blush, [/font][/color]
But I can't help but want you more, more,
Baby tell me what's your story, [/font][/color]



-Vesper[/font][/color]

[mouse]

Dear MJ,

To be kicked when you're down,

[/font][/color]
To feel like you've been pushed around,
To be on the edge of breaking down,[/font][/color]
[/right]

So. Another entry is in order I guess. I was re-reading my other ones and noticed a couple things. The first was that I talk about Sabina… A lot. So I’m going to try and keep her out of this one, because I feel weird. The other was that I haven’t really written a lot that will help me with a biography and that’s why I own you. So, I decided a different entry was needed. So I give you, a day in the life of Vesper Monroe. Please, feel free to ignore me if you find it dull, not like I’m all that interesting.

So. Five thirty AM, my alarm rings and tells me to get my ass out of bed. Why so early? So I can get to a shower without having to deal with other students being up, or other students using all the hot water. So, I shower like any guy… Don’t think you need that play-by-play. Then I have to straighten my hair and shit, which takes a surprisingly long time because of the poodle fur on my head. Once that’s done I ditch the glasses, and put in my contacts. I only started using them in junior high actually, but will never go back to glasses full time. When that’s done comes the fun shit, testing my blood sugar and getting my pump ready. I’m trying a new thing this year, something my Mom has forced into my hands. I was fine with just injecting insulin, but she found out about this Omnipod thing. It looks like a bar of soap and I stick it to my lower back. I fill it with insulin, it injects a little needle and supplies me all day with what I tell it to using a little device that looks like a cell phone, it’s my PDM. Basically I enter what my levels should be at and what I eat and it does the work for me. Even keeps a log. Pretty cool actually. But I’ll stop boring you with my technology. Once I have my pump I’m ready to face the day!

First stop. Breakfast. I’m not a big breakfast guy, I never have been. A piece of toast is good for me, but since I have issues with my sugar levels I have to eat actual food. I can eat pretty much anything as long as I have a bounce back, but I usually just have cereal. Cheerios are good, and Fruit Loops. I usually have some fruit too, just because it’s good for you. Once breakfast is done I head to my first period. What I have during the day changes daily like any school’s though for this term I have Math, Biology, Rhythm, History and Vocal. I like days that start off with a music class, that way I can grin stupidly and pretend to pay attention while dozing off and not miss anything. So let’s pretend the day goes Math, Vocal, Biology, Rhythym and History. I hate math, though Mrs. Cooper is pretty fine. I don’t mind staring her way while writing my notes down. I tend to not do a lot of work in the class though, usually I jot down lyrics and fumble with chords in my head while waiting for the class to end. Once it does finally end, I’d then head towards the music wing, after a quick trip to the bathroom to check my levels. Vocal is one of my least favourite music based classes, thought the director is pretty cool with not forcing me to sing. I pay attention to the class though, figure out tips and tricks as well as try out my new material occasionally. I find vocal usually flies by which would lead me to biology. That’s my favourite core subject, no lie. I don’t know what it is, but most of it is really interesting. I love genetics the most I think… Or how the hormones affect the body. Am I weird for that? I think I am… Moving on then before I get weirder. Rhythm follows biology. Rhythm is a really fun class, no lies. It’s all about the music, which means I am allowed to spend the class playing with a guitar if I so chose to. I usually don’t, I pay attention to the wisdom bestowed upon me… Or I nap. I have rhythm, so I don’t really need the class too much. Last on the list, History after another check to make sure I don’t need to down some orange juice. I have nothing against the class, though I find it extremely boring. I’m doing well enough, even if I don’t seem to pay attention. Almost like everything just soaks into my head on it’s own. In any case… Boring.

With classes done at the end of the day I usually head back to the dorm to do my usual evening routine. You thought this was boring? I’m just getting started. First off, I get out one of my acoustics, and play around with my latest work. Latest being the stuff I come up with while I’m supposed to be doing math equations. I can’t take a guitar to class, so it’s sort of the time where I can test stuff, come up with better ideas. It’s sort of Vesper time, you know? I usually debate dinner ideas at this point too. I’m not going to lie, I usually at home. It’s a ten minute drive and I can’t cook to save my life. When I do eat dinner at school though, it’s usually pasta of some sort. At home it’s usually just me and Mom, and I can tell she enjoys the company since Dad’s always working late. On the odd day Dad’s home too, though he usually doesn’t do anything because he hasn’t broken into the booze yet. I try to leave early though, just to keep from receiving anything from his end. Now and then I do return to school with a bruise forming, or a sore body part. Once dinner’s done, I usually settle down with a movie, music or a video game and chat with the other students in the school chat room. Sometimes I stay up later talking than others, and sometimes I don’t even bother because of whatever drama is stewing. Once I feel I’ve chatted out and ready for bed I hit the hay, ready to repeat. Like I said, boring right?

Are you stuck inside a world you hate? [/font][/color]
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies, [/font][/color]
While deep inside you're bleeding.




-Vesper[/font][/color]

[mouse]

Dear MJ,

What hurts the most,

[/font][/color]
Is being so close,
And having so much to say, [/font][/color]
[/right]

So. I’m in Minneapolis tonight, and this afternoon I recorded my first demo. It was… Pretty cool, getting to see what it was like to professionally record something. I’m heading home tomorrow afternoon, I’ll be back that night. Mom wants to spend some time with me tomorrow, which means we’ll probably discuss my summer plans. My summer plans being the move to L.A. to live on my own. We already have an apartment picked. Well a condo, the building’s under construction but should be done mid-June so I’m moving after then but we pre-booked it for me. The only things left to worry about is the move, I have furniture and everything I’ll need already in storage. I was so excited to go, so excited to leave the Sioux Falls hellhole. But now? I’m almost not looking forward to it. Why? One pretty red head flounced into my life. Flounced? Where the hell did I get that word? I don’t even know… Anyway, one pretty damn beautiful red head flounced into my life. I actually looked flounce up in the dictionary right now… Just because I wanted to know if it was a real word. It means to go with exaggerated or impatient movements. So probably the wrong word… Let’s just say she walked into my life. So get ready for some mushy bullshit, because I’m bored, slightly intoxicated and feel the need to go on about Sabina Hentges.

I know I’ve probably said it before, but the girl is stunning. She really cannot possibly know freaking beautiful she is. Everything about her, her hair, her eyes, her voice… Everything just catches one hundred percent of my attention. Sometimes I wonder how she hasn’t noticed that’s how I feel… I’m pretty sure most of the time she smiles I get that trademark, starstruck, goofy guy grin. Don’t even get me started on her laugh, it’s more beautiful than any song, or instrument I’ve heard. I can’t help but grin everytime she laughs. And in the few piano lessons we’ve had I’ve taken every and any chance I can to touch her. That sounds dirty… Heh… I don’t mean like that! I mean… Position her hands on the keys, wrap my arms around her to adjust her arms. I understand the guy from Zombieland even more now. Really, I get his rather random urge to brush a girl’s hair behind her ear, it’s kind of compelling. When you see that little bit of hair, it just screams ‘move me!’. There’s a few times here I’ve wanted to do just that… Is that too much? Would she take it as a friendly gesture? I don’t know and half don’t want to find out. I mean… It’d be great to dig up the courage to tell her how I feel… But it’s too soon. Right? I mean, isn’t there a ‘no-dating’ time after a break up? I don’t want to push her into something, or make it awkward…. But if I wait too long I’ll be in L.A.

She’s so interesting too, there’s so much to her that she doesn’t seem to show off. I mean, who’d have guessed she’d be a cheerleader? She fits the body type sure, but not the bubble-headed personality. I mean, she can actually spell the words they cheer without writing them on the back of her hand. Maybe I’m being cruel… I blame the booze. It’s making me whack. Did I just say… Write whack? Really? Wow. Okay, so anyway. She’s got layers, like she can be tough and snarky, quite sarcastic and holds her ground… But then at other times is as quiet and soft spoken as a bunny or something. There’s something about the way she talks to me, online or in person that makes me feel… Special? Wanted? Like a member of society? Darius says I should just ask her out and be done with it. How did he know? I have no clue, that kid’s smart as a whip. My argument is that I’m probably just overreacting. I’m just confused because she’s my first real, true, friend. I mean, there was Darius, but he’s my cousin. There was Aerynne, but I think she’s always considered me more of a friend than I do her. She confuses me, and sometimes I wonder about her. Where Sabina… There’s nothing to make me wonder, I just accept it. I’d be more apt to tell her some secrets than I would Darius, and he’s like a brother. It sounds weird, but there’s like something I feel, like it was an instant connection with her. Like I should have always been friends with her.

Which brings me to my next rant. Why the hell did I have to meet her when I did, why not sooner? I’m barely going to know her and half to leave state. L.A. is rather far, and I don’t think we’ll be very close from that distance. I don’t want to leave her already, I’ve been away one day and I miss her already. I want to go back to Sioux Falls, hug her. She's hugged me, and it's made me happier than anything else in the world. A hug from her is like a sudden sugar rush, like a moment of bliss. And oh god I want to kiss her. You have no idea, whenever she's even remotely close to me, that's all I can think of. But I can't. I won't. It's too early to even suggest it... I'm so confused... What on earth is wrong with me? All I know, is I can’t get that face out of my mind. Am I obbsessive? Who knows...

I would trade give away all the words, [/font][/color]
That I saved in my heart,
That I left unspoken, [/font][/color]



-Vesper[/font][/color]

[mouse]

Dear MJ,

You’re feeling sad, feeling lonely,

[/font][/color]
And no one seems to care,
Your mother’s gone and your father hits you,[/font][/color]
This pain you cannot bare,
[/right]

Well. Guess I’m overdue for an entry that doesn’t completely involve my sudden infatuation with Sabina? Like one about my life? Let’s start with saying it undoubtedly sucks worse than a twenty-five cent hooker. Yeah, quite the mood change from my last entry huh? My recording went fine, and I’m in the process of picking where to send it. That’s about the only good thing happening about now. Let’s start with my ride home, which was boring as shit and the entire almost four and a half hours were spent in silence after a rant. About what? How selfish I was. You know why I’m selfish? Because I told her to leave my Dad. I told her the way he yells at her is wrong, and how it was only a matter of time before she started sporting bruises like me. She said she disagreed and I said if he ever hit her that I’d call the police. She pulled over to the side of the road to yell at me. “And what would that accomplish Vesper? All you’d do is get yourself taken away from us!” She said. What was I supposed to say to that? I told her I wanted out. She said it was selfish after all she’d done for me… Well let’s just say it went from bad to worse. We yelled and screamed at each other for what felt like hours… I’ve never yelled at her before, and I hate myself for it. I’m a hypocrite, aren’t I? I say my dad’s wrong for doing it, then I go and do the same to her. Fanfuckingtastic.

Then it only got better when we got home. Mom told me to stay the night, because it was late-ish and my aunt, uncle and Darius were coming over for dinner. As usual Dad skipped out and by the time my family left it was late enough to just crash in my old room for the night, despite the fact I didn’t want to be there. I was just drifting off when Dad got home. I would have just slept through his and Mom’s argument, but Yankee barked at the yelling and woke me up. I sat there and listened, until my name came up… Well let’s just say I knew I was in shit from the way he stormed up the stairs to my level. I barely had enough time to lock Yankee in my closet before he got up there. Why? Because I know Yankee will protect me… I don’t want him getting hurt for my sake. It’s been a while since Dad’s really thwarted me… Let’s just say I’ve got a few more bruises than normal and he even konked my head, where he usually avoids. Then for the first time ever he actually threatened me. Know in movies how the dad threatens the kid with like death if he goes to the police? Yeah. Not death, but he said I’d never look the same again. So yeah.

I hate it. I hate living with that. Then to make things worse, when I do finally move to L.A. I’ll be leaving behind the one friend I’ve ever had. As strangely clingy as it sounds, I’d stay and take the hits to get more time with Sabina. I’d take him breaking my wrist again, the cracked rib, I’d take hits to the face, I’d take everything he’s done and more not to just leave her so soon after meeting her. But that’s not exactly an option is it? I’m not stupid, I know someone’s bound to catch on, like Darius or my Aunt. And when they call the cops? I can’t deal with that. I have to get out… If I don’t I know all those thoughts from years prior will come back. I already laid there last night, clutching my side out of the sheer pain breathing caused and considered what it’d be like to just stop breathing all together. I won’t go back there. Nobody would really care if I vanished off the face of the earth… Guess my Mom might, Darius and his parents, Sabina… Hiroko maybe, she seems to like me a bit. Could I really do it though? Could I really cut my wrists deep enough to bleed out? Hang myself from my loft? Overdose on some medication in my Mom’s bathroom? Before I got to the point of having a mouthful of pills before spitting them out. I can’t move without pain shooting up my side, I can’t talk to adults without the fear that they’ll recognise the bruise pattern on my wrists. And so I sit here and wonder what’s next for me.

Then again, somehow I don’t see getting away with trying as a possibility. I have a roommate in my dorm and would never subject Darius to seeing that… And at home I’d constantly have to worry about my Mom stopping me. Then again, there’s a simple way to give it a go and not worry about my Mom stopping me or anyone finding me dead. I could always just go off eating, not starve myself per say. But avoid all and any sugars. The doctors say if it drops too low, I’ll just drop. I could go into a coma if it gets low enough, even die if I don’t get the raise fast enough. There’s like shock, then there’s a coma. Do you think people would notice if I stopped eating? I don’t think so, not like I eat a lot around people anyway. The only issue with that, is that I could just drop in the company or someone, meaning I could get quick help. Or the fact I could chicken out last minute and just damage my body. Which would lead to awkward questions… I don’t want this to be an attention thing, I don’t need that being added to the whispers behind my back. But I can’t take it… At school, it’s hell. At home, it’s hell. I can’t do it. But I have to. A few more months and I’m out, I’m free… And without the one person I really want around.

But we all bleed the same way as you do, [/font][/color]
We all have the same things to go thru
Hold on if you feel like letting go, [/font][/color]
Hold on...it gets better than you know.




-Vesper[/font][/color]

Thar you go Helen xD

[mouse]

Dear MJ,

Baby you deserve much better,

[/font][/color]
What’s the use of holding on,
Don’t you see it’s now or never,[/font][/color]
Cause I just can’t be friends.
[/right]

Okay… So I’m over my little moment of weakness there. Maybe I should try and talk to someone, it might keep such rash and selfish thoughts out of my head. The only issue is the fact that if I talk, the person I tell will most likely try to help. I can’t let someone else get involved, I like my face the way it is. I guess we all have moments of time where we just want to roll over and give up, no matter how much we wish we didn’t. I’d be willing to bet people I think have a perfect life have felt the same way I have, where ending it all would just be easier than everything on their shoulders. Is that some form of evolution, is that how 2012 will end up? We’ll all just off ourselves eventually because of the problems we’re facing? Let’s be blunt, suicide rates are only rising, especially in us teens. But who can blame us? With the stress, the way people are, the economical problems, family issues and substances we’re exposed to… It’s not that strange a thing. When you have nothing, what’s the point? Well I guess that’s my logical, rant moment done. Let’s move on shall we?

May 4th. A date I'll need to remember.
So… I finally took Darius’ advice and asked Sabina out the other night… Well… Actually I didn’t really mean do. See we were watching Freddy Vs. Jason (Which is now my favourite movie, despite how bad it is) and we were talking… She said something, and the way she phrased it hinted that she was interested. I pried and we sort of beat around the bush for a while before I asked if she’d date me. She said she would and asked if I wanted to try. So I asked her out. It was really pretty lame, not nearly as impressive or romantic as I’d half hoped it would be. But that’s cool, right? Point is she’s technically my girlfriend now and I can work on the whole romance thing. Oh. Our date? Well of course you want to know what our date is, MJ. Picnic by the lake. On a blanket. Oh yeah. I told her to pick something she wanted to do, next time I’ll surprise her or something. But for now, it’s a picnic on the lakeshore. I’ll be honest… I’ve never been on a picnic before, I kid you not. Well I guess technically I have, me and Mom used to have lunch in Central Park back home. But I’ve never actually had the blanket or anything, it’ll be something to jot down in my ‘cliché things I’ve done’ book. Well… If I had a book like that. Which I don’t, just so you know.

So. I guess that’s the biggest change since my last entry, other than that not a lot has happened. What can I say, my life is pretty average. On the plus, my side is feeling better today, meaning that Dad didn’t crack anything this time. And the bruise on my cheekbone is going to a rather nasty yellow, which means it’s going to fade away pretty good. I’m thinking of taking up another instrument, just to waste time because I still have moments of time where I don’t know what to do with myself. The only question that remains is, ‘what instrument?’ I could learn something more classical, like the stand up bass… That way I would know electric too. Or I could just try and learn drums. I mean, I know the basics of a drumkit, enough to write adequate music for one. But playing it? Eh, not so much. But yeah, guess that’s it for now.

] I will love you more than that, [/font][/color]
I won’t say the words,
Then take them back,[/font][/color]
Don’t give loneliness a chance.




-Vesper[/font][/color]

[mouse]

Dear MJ,

You’re so fine and your mine,

[/font][/color]
I’ll be yours till the end of time
Cause you made me feel,[/font][/color]
Yeah you made me feel I’ve nothing to hide.
[/right]

So I’ll be honest. I kind of forgot about you… Actually you got pushed under my bed and hidden since Darius is as mature as a five year old. I know he’d see you and just die to see what you were. I’m not an overly private guy, and he knows a lot of what’s been written, but there are things I can’t risk him reading. Like everything about my Dad, about my suicidal thoughts moments of weakness. I know he’d skip off to his mother who would then face off against my Mom… Then my Dad would find out and all hell would break loose. He went out last night to go spend the night with his parents, so I have the morning to myself. Hence why I’m writing in you right now. Well that and Sabina just left too. Yes she stayed over, not it’s not what you’re thinking. But I’ll get to that, right now I’ll just give you the low down on my current events.

First off. Mother’s Day weekend. So it started off alright, though I could say there’s a lot more I’d rather do than go into Minneapolis to spend the weekend with not only my parents, but my aunt’s family and my Nonna and Nonno. Don’t get me wrong, it was great to see my grandparents, since they live in Italy, but the whole big family thing was not me. I spent a lot of the time holed away with my guitar in my hotel room. That was fine and dandy till I got home Sunday. Let’s say my father wasn’t impressed with my lack of social output. I wasn’t even good from the last time he pushed me around, so when I got back to school I tried to help the pain and anger by drinking. Let’s just say that was a bad fucking idea. It worked, I definitely wasn’t hurting as much as I was sober, but I’m not a happy drunk and was rather snarky and mean that night. I even got to a point where Sabina told me to fuck off. Let’s just say that was a bit of a shock. Now I’m not going to go and say ‘I’m never going to do that again.’ But if I did I’d be lying… I’m not going to promise not to drink again, that’s stupid. I guess I’ll just keep to myself if I do.

Next. Something involving my music. I have a live audition this weekend, so I’m hitting the road this evening to go to L.A. and so far it sounds like Sabina will be coming. I also decided to stick around for the summer. I mean, I was so pumped to just get the hell out of this town, get the hell away from my family and out on my own. But then stuff changed and I’m not so eager to run off and get away. I have a couple friends now, and a girlfriend I’m not too keen on leaving behind. And then I sort of realized that I’m kind of nervous being on my own, so far away from my parents. I hate my Dad and my Mom is losing any respect I had for her… But I’m used to having them there to do stuff. I’ve never paid bills before, never had a job before… I’m kind of scared I’ll screw up and get kicked onto the streets or something. Yeah, call me paranoid. Or maybe my brain is just making up excuses to stay…

So… Other than that nothing overly interesting happened. I was a bit of a jerk yesterday. I blame it on the fact I was feeling a little under the weather and didn’t eat much. Sugar low= Grouchy Vesper. I made some really bad jokes and got bitched out for it. It was weird, Josh Andrews is a jackass but I just went along with him… It was like I felt powerful or something. Stupid really. But the day definitely got better that evening. Who knew all those lame romance movies my mom always made me watch would come in handy? Apparently, a kiss in the rain is “the most romantic thing ever”. I have to say, it was pretty awesome. And apparently I don’t kiss like a catfish like her last boyfriend. That’s always good to hear, right? Who am I kidding, I’m laughing my ass of just writing that. Speaking of Senor Catfish, I actually spoke to him over IMs with Sab. Oh… I had to hold back not to rub it in his face… I guess I have nothing really real against the guy… Or didn’t. I was jealous before, but that jerk dumped Sab over an online chat in front of the whole school. Coward.

Anyway. Guess that’s it for now. Later.

You’re so fine and you’re mine, [/font][/color]
Make me strong yeah you make me bold,
Oh your love thawed out,[/font][/color]
Yeah thawed out what was scared and cold.




-Vesper[/font][/color]