KIARA'S math NOTEBOOK

[ruby]

KIARA-LYNE MACKENZIE

i'm not a princess this aint a fairytale.
now it's too late for you and your white horse
to come around

wow. my math notebook from freshman year. i'm surprised i even have pages of homework done on here. anyway, i was looking through a bunchy of stuff and found this, and i figured no one would ever look into my math notebook, and i need to just write down stuff to vent out or whatever. so here i am, on the ground of my dorm, notebook on my lap, pen in my hand. i don't even know how to start. there's so much i want to say, and so much i'm not comfortable with writing out. you know, just in case someone does find this book. call me paranoid or whatever, but i'd rather not have this get out. or, well, my deep dark secrets anyway. moving on..... so i went for a run today because he was there. you do not need to know who this he is, but he is the one person that makes me feel relieved and stressed and upset at the same time. how is that possible? i have no fucking clue. anyway, he got on the chatzy, and i figured i might as well go for a run. i don't know what would've happened if i stayed in the chat any longer. so i ran and ran and ran and ran. for like about two hours. my legs felt like jello, my lungs burned, and i was practically hyperventilating for air. but i kept going. to distract myself from the internal pain. near the end, when i was just about to collapse to the ground, i saw this pond. it wasn't that big, but it wasn't small either. and the only thought that ran through my head was "i want to jump into that pool, hold my breath, and stay down until i let out my last breath."

there is something seriously wrong with me. help.

KIARA LYNE MACKENZIE

[ruby]

KIARA-LYNE MACKENZIE

i'm not a princess this aint a fairytale.
now it's too late for you and your white horse
to come around

i can't do this. every time i want to call truce with sabina, something inside me shies me away from it. a spark of anger and unhappiness surges through me. all i can think about at that moment in time is that he slept with her. and that's not the worst of it. he slept with her right after we broke up. that's right ladies and gentleman. he slept with sabina the day we broke up. fanfuckingtastical right? i just... i can't get over it. how do you get over something like this? especially when you love that said person who is fucking sabina. i have never hated a person so much in my life before. i mean, before the break up, and let's admit it, i was nice to everyone. well, i tried. i was a sweetheart. i don't hate people. even though i'm a "bitch" now, i don't hate people. i don't even hate hiroko. i can't believe i hate sabina, of all people. she's the freakin nicest girl i know! why does it have to be her that he slept with?! god, she's tied with my father on my number 1 hate list. no, no, i can do this. i can call truce. i can take a deep breath, call truce, and exhale. easy peasy, lemon squeazy.

KIARA LYNE MACKENZIE

[ruby]

KIARA-LYNE MACKENZIE

i'm not a princess this aint a fairytale.
now it's too late for you and your white horse
to come around

i get why people do it now. it hurts. it hurts more than anything in the world. it will always hurt more than the pain in your heart. it distracts you from your internal pain. the moment the blade slices through the skin, you feel nothing but searing pain on your arm. as soon as you see that stream of blood dripping down your arm, you can do nothing but concentrate on it. it keeps your mind of things you always think about. this is like the runs i do all the time, but this is ten times better. unlike running, my breath slowly goes back to normal. whearas this? the throbbing pain in my arm is constant. it doesn't go away for a very long time. and that's exactly what i need. something to distract me. i know i shouldn't do this. i know it's not good. i know people frown upon people that cuts themselves. i know that people make fun of these kinds of people, but it feels good. it makes me feel better. it's like a ton of bricks have been lifted off my shoulders. mind you, though, i'll need to figure out how to hide this scar.... i can have my athletic wrist band during practices and games, but what about outside sports related stuff? i can't wear long sleeve, i'll burn to death. i'll figure something out.
did you know trent's leaving? he says he doesn't know when he'll be back. he doesn't have a single clue how much pain i felt when i heard that. when will he be back? a month? a year? ten years? or never. i know he has to do this. it's great that he's getting detox, but to know that he's so far away from me, i can't even begin to tell you how much it hurts. anyway, i'm going to stop writing and do something about that blood that's soaking through.

KIARA LYNE MACKENZIE

[ruby]

KIARA-LYNE MACKENZIE

i'm not a princess this aint a fairytale.
now it's too late for you and your white horse
to come around

he left this morning without even saying a goodbye. he just.... left. but he did leave a note. so it's not that bad, i guess. but i remember that he told me he didn't know when he'd be back, and that set me into a wave of emotions i've never encountered. all i felt was pain. pain i've never felt before. and i wanted it to go away. i wanted it to stop. and then i thought back to that time. and it made me feel so good. so there i was, sitting by the bathtub just holding onto that piece of broken mirror. all i could think about was that pain that was so great that it distracted me from the internal one. it made me forget. just staring the puddle of blood. it was hypnotizing. i just wanted to be in another world. so i cut it. it felt amazing, so i did it a second time, thinking it'd make me feel even better. and then a third. and then all i felt was light headed and queasy. every thing was spinning round and round. and it felt like i was high. there was a massive pool of blood in the tub. and at that moment in time, i had to laugh. i had to laugh at my own my stupidity. and that was my last thought. after that everything turned black.

i think i almost died.

though i'm sure a lot of people would celebrate it. i think i would be one of those people if i could. i wouldn't blame people if they threw a party because i'm dead. i'm a terrible person, i know. i... i never meant for me to end up this way. i had always convinced myself to put a smile on myself despite the fact that trent and i were over. i was supposed to put up an act. i wasn't supposed to let anyone catch on. my act fell apart.

i wish i did die that day.

KIARA LYNE MACKENZIE

[ruby]

KIARA-LYNE MACKENZIE

i'm not a princess this aint a fairytale.
now it's too late for you and your white horse
to come around

i tried calling truce today with sabina. i knew she wouldn't accept my white flag. but there was a very small part of me that was hopeful. that she'd forgive me for all the wrong things i have done. yeah, i was angry at her for sleeping with him right when we broke up. but how was she supposed to know that? it's not like he would advertise it. it wasn't something i would advertise either. but.... never mind. i tried. maybe i should have apologized too. i wonder if she'd accept it...

KIARA LYNE MACKENZIE

[ruby]

KIARA-LYNE MACKENZIE

i'm not a princess this aint a fairytale.
now it's too late for you and your white horse
to come around

you know what's great? when you get out of the hospital and everybody just assumse you're suicidal now. i tried telling people. i tried explaining. no one listens. but it didn't exactly matter. all that really mattered was that blake, hannah, james, and especially trent believed me. and let's face it, trent's opinion matters to me the most. well, blake and trent is tied. but trent didn't believe me. and you know what's even more awesome? trent's doing it again. he's doing drugs. i just know it. and i don't know how to help him. i don't know what to do. i know i haven't been the nicest girl, but i wished god would just guide me. or at least give me some hints. i might have made god's job a little harder by telling trent that i didn't care if i died tonight. i mean, what was i suppose to do? when i start to tell him something and decides against it cause it's better for him to not know, he gets angry. when i tell him the truth, he gets upselt. what am i supposed to do? and then.... and then he just goes on and says other stuff. and i agreed to every single thing. it's this new thing i'm trying. i'm trying to be nice. i'm trying not to make people upset. i try not to talk back. i try not to disagree so much. and you're probably wondering about my progress. honestly? every one bad thing he says and i agree to, it makes me feel like shit. and it hurts like shit. and then i made a mistake by bringing up my father. i knew he was iffy about that subject. and we went back into that circle where he refuses to tell me. i knew it. that's why i didn't ask him for it. and there was this one reply that hurt me the most.

"Or you could have just said nothing at all, I never asked if you still wanted to die not to mention I have no idea why in hell you would still feel that way. And it is to late, you already said it and you clearly already upset me. It hasn't stopped you from asking in the past... "

at that moment in time, i wanted to grab that broken shard of mirror, hiding in my stash of tampons, and just cut the deepest wound i can. but i couldn't. i shouldn't. i don't think he knows that everything he said was a new stab to my heart. i don't think he knows that i'm upset. good. i don't want him to know. i don't want anyone to know. and when i thought it couldn't hurt any more than that, he twisted the knife. he said "I only have one pack of cigarettes left and at the moment I am going through them damn quick.' i can't even begin to tell you what i thought and felt at that moment. and by that time, i had already started to make my way into my bathroom. i even held it in my hand. and at the last minute, i dropped it. because if i made another one, they would know. it would be obvious. so instead, i rammed my shin against the corner of a wall. someone probably heard it. i don't think i broke anything, just severely bruised it. not that anyone would notice. i could say i had practice, and that's where i got it. it was believable.

sometimes i wonder if trent and i were really over. it seems like our problems were impossible to solve. i don't think i can survive without him. but.... he should move on. he deserves someone who wouldn't hurt him, like me. he deserved someone who could help him. he deserved someone that wasn't trying to kill herself. he deserved everyone but me. my heart is aching so much right now. i think i'm going to keep ramming my shin against the wall until the pain disappears. wish me luck.

KIARA LYNE MACKENZIE