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Post by salvatore on Apr 30, 2010 11:34:17 GMT -6
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Post by salvatore on Apr 30, 2010 11:47:01 GMT -6
Entry 1
It seems that all of the cool kids are writing in journals nowadays. So, I decided to join in. Although, I don't have much things to write about. Except for the fact that my life's screwed up. Yeah, that's nice to say, eh? Well it's true. I have narcissistic, histrionic, anti-social, and sociopathic tendencies. I've had them ever since I was younger. I'm not socially inept by no means. I just don't care too much for making friends, and all that jazz. My father said that being nice, and showing that you care was a sign of weakness so I listened to him. My mother said the same thing, so I basically was up the creek without a paddle since both parties were dissing my niceness. They just wanted me to be as screwed up, and hateful as they are. So, I'm going to let you in on a little secret..
I'm no where near as screwed-up and hateful as they are. Despite the fact that my parents got married, my father's father didn't bother marrying my father's mother. Because, he decided he wanted to have another kid with a different woman.. And thought she was a better choice for him to marry. So, from then on.. My family has had a lineage of being hateful. I wish I could break the trend, but every time I try to I end up pushing away the ones who try to help me. Because I feel as if I don't need help. But doing something without help is easier said than done.
Well, I think I should end this entry now. I'm surprised I even managed to make it through my first entry in a fresh new journal without scratching anything out. I must be improving, eh?
- Aerynne
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Post by salvatore on Apr 30, 2010 15:15:13 GMT -6
Entry 2
Okay, recently I spent time with my close friend Vesper Monroe. There's something bothering him, but he won't tell me. After everything I've told him, and vice versa.. He's keeping a secret from me? So much for close friends, huh? But, I shouldn't be so pissy about it.. He has his rights to keep stuff from me as well as from other people. But, if he's in some kind of trouble, I wish he'd tell me. Sure, I may not be able to do anything about it.. But, at least I can be there for him. He's been there for me more times than I can honestly remember.
That's surprising considering we haven't known each other for like years and years. We met here at school due to a teacher forcing us to be partners for an assignment, which was obviously a good thing in the end. Since he's there for me, and I am for him. Rumor has it, he has feelings for this girl named Sabina. And, she has feelings for him. If that's the case, they need to act on them. Because, I don't think she's a slut. I've only talked to her once, but.. I've seen her around.. And, nothing about her strikes me as a slut. So, I don't know why people are hating on her. Unless, they're jealous because she's stunning. She's a whole lot prettier than I'll ever be. Sure, that's a low blow to my confidence since I'm as narcissistic as they come but still. It's the truth, and I can't deny that.
Ah, next subject.. Hiroko.. I don't know if I can call her a friend or what. All I know is that she's nice to me, and she doesn't strike me as the horrible monster people paint her out to be. She's totally the opposite of that, in my honest opinion. I recently found out that she's pregnant, speculation surrounding her pregnancy involves rumors that Mr. Cooper is the father. If that's true, get it girl!
Sure, I should probably mention prom.. But what's to mention about it? Except for the fact that Hiroko and I had a pretty nice talk. Yeah, I spent most of my time there talking to Hiroko. I did do my acting presentation or whatever it was for part of the prom like I was supposed to since it was for a grade. But that's about the only thing I did. I didn't have a date so, I really didn't see the point of mingling around and socializing. So, I decided to just sit and watch others having fun. And of course talk to Hiroko.
- Aerynne
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Post by salvatore on May 2, 2010 2:11:01 GMT -6
Entry 3
Sometimes in the middle of the night, I go over what took place that day as if to see if I've accomplished anything. And, you want to know what I always come up short on? Being truly happy. Never has a day gone by without me feeling this sharp pain of loneliness.
I know that I have no one to blame for my actions except for myself. But, I just wish.. That maybe, just maybe someone did find an ounce of compassion to stick it out and hold me close.. Make me believe that everything's going to be okay even if it's just a lie.
But, I know I can't have that. Because, I refuse to stop pushing people away. I can't honestly remember a time whenever I didn't worry constantly about how my life would be like if I didn't put up this façade. I'd probably have true friends who want to be friends with me, because they're willing to be. Not, because they feel as if they have to be.
Will I ever have a chance at true happiness? Only time will tell. Will I ever have a chance to show my true self to everyone without being scared of what they'll think? No. I can't do that. Why? Because, I don't want to be shown as weak.
Even though I feel as if I am fragile, what's the point of letting the world see it? Nothing about me honestly shows strength except for the façade I hide behind.
Everyday is just as bad as the last, because I wake up only to repeat the process of being lonely once more. Now, I know how Hiroko feels.. I regret mocking her that day.. She knew what she was talking about. She still does. I only did it because I was scared to admit that she was right along.
She told me that I shouldn't hide behind a façade , and that I should just let whatever happen, happen. But, I just can't. Ha, she told me that she wasn't strong, but she is. She's.. Very strong.
- Aerynne
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Post by salvatore on May 5, 2010 1:47:16 GMT -6
Entry 4
I wonder if people would even miss me if I decided to end my own life. Probably not, I mean.. They're all better off without me. Hell, they pretty much all have someone. I'm just some scared little girl who won't show her true self to any of the people who want to befriend her in fear that they'll not like what they see.
The stupid saying, "Be yourself" is bogus. No one is truly ever being themselves because they hide behind a façade. Not even once have I ever seen someone truly being themselves. All of the so called 'popular' girls and guys aren't really popular.. They're just a bunch of shitheads. Why? Because, they 'act' like they're better than everyone else when in all actuality, they're not. No one is better than anyone else.
No one can be better than someone else. Why? Because, they all have the same boring shitty lives just as the next person. Because they enjoy taking shit out on everyone that they know. Like for instance, if one of them gets into an argument with their girlfriend/boyfriend.. They start whining and crying, screaming as well as yelling at other people that are near them just because they think it'll make them feel better. Well, they're fucking wrong. It won't, it'll just show the world how shitty they really are.
And, I know damned well that they don't want people to think negatively of them, so why the fuck be so bitchy every single day? Sure, I don't have that much room to talk.. But, my goodness.. These idiots that go to this school are fucking stupid. Who cares if someone dumped your ass? You fucking deserved it. Who cares if someone turned you down flat? Again, you fucking deserved it. Everything happens for a reason for crying out loud.
People need to get over being so blind and just start realizing that eventually they're going to need each other to keep from falling apart. But, who am I to say any of this? I do the same damned thing. I don't want anyone's help.. And, I sure as hell don't want to be all buddy buddy with someone and tell them what's really on my mind. Because, they won't be able to handle the truth. None of these losers at this school can.
Well, Vesper, Hiroko, and Sabina are the only ones that I can think of right off the tip of my tongue that could possibly handle the truth. But, other than that.. Nahhh, no one else could. Especially the 'popular' bunch, they'd just whine and cry some more. Fucking babies. I may be as screwed up as they come, but at least I don't whine and cry about my problems in public.. No less a public chatroom for the students/teachers. -__- Get real. And, breaking up with someone in a public chatroom for the students/teachers?! FUCKING PRICK TY! > Sabina didn't deserve that at all. I have yet to actually befriend Sabina, but.. If she's great friends with Vesper, and I know she is.. Then hell, I might as well talk to her, right?
- Aerynne
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Post by salvatore on May 11, 2010 23:26:51 GMT -6
Entry 5
It's been awhile since I wrote anything in this journal and for good reason too. I have nothing of interest to write about. And, that's all I'm going to say. Mainly because it's nothing I feel like writing about.
- Aerynne
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Post by salvatore on May 12, 2010 1:07:02 GMT -6
Entry 6
Alright fine.. I shall write one more entry. There's this guy that I like, but I know he won't like me. Or will he..? That's something I have yet to figure out. I know a lot of things about him, starting with somethings he has yet to figure out himself. But, will I tell him? Not a chance.
- Aerynne
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Post by salvatore on May 13, 2010 2:29:27 GMT -6
Entry 7
Why is it so funny that I actually have feelings for someone..?
- Aerynne
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Sabina didn't deserve that at all. I have yet to actually befriend Sabina, but.. If she's great friends with Vesper, and I know she is.. Then hell, I might as well talk to her, right?