Post by jessie on May 5, 2010 0:46:19 GMT -6
Dear Journal,
Yeah, so apparently writing in a journal is like therapy... and well I need a lot of fucking therapy. Well, not even therapy can save me really. Not when you have been through the shit that I have been. No therapist can erase it but I suddenly felt the need to get out exactly what the hell has been going on lately... which is a lot. I am writing this high too, that takes skills.
Where do I even start? Sabina seems to be fixated on getting me clean... and as usual I refused to listen to her or anyone for that matter. At first I was completely opposed to even thinking about detox because without drugs I have to live with the memories of my childhood. Drugs is the only substance that erases them even for a moment. I yearn for that high and that ability to forget. Without drugs, I am not sure I can survive remembering everyday what I went through but I am going to try... for myself, for Megan, for Riley, and for Kiara. I am losing everyone around me to this drug. I don't know if I have the power to go sober... people really have no idea how much I crave these drugs. I need to try though, I need to at least know on my death bed that I tried to change my life.
I am leaving South Dakota though. I had a flight last night but I got to high and missed it... great start, huh? I could go to the local detox but I won't last more than a week... I need to completely escape all the shit, drama, and people surrounding me. I am dreading this fucking trip though. a part of me is just not ready to give up these drugs, I really don't know life without them. Even if I leave detox, how the hell am I going to stay sober when I am thrown back into my daily living situation? Seems impossible really but going will get a lot of people off my back.
I know Kiara is pissed I am leaving and hurt. Doing this though, is the only way I will get her back. If I continue doing these drugs, I will lose her forever. My fear is though that I will get back and she will have moved onto someone else. If that happens, expect that I will be having my drug dealer back on speed dial. I am also losing Megan to this drug. I need to save her and being sober is really the only way I know how to bring my sister back to the right side of the tracks.
Oh, ready for the most interesting event? Sabina apparently found out I got caught with drugs and now run the risk of going to jail (would not be the first time I went to prison) and threw away all my needles. Lovely, right? At a time where my visions of my father were killing me. Apparently she didn't know when you throw away a addicts drugs they tend to go into a violent rage. I don't even know who that person was that night... I became a monster. All I wanted was to get high and kill something... I just needed to forget. Well, I blamed Hiroko for tossing my drugs. Why wouldn't I? That bitch has been out to get me since day one. So what did I do? Hah, I punched her. I felt bad afterwords, no guy should punch a girl no matter what the circumstances were. I apologized later though to be honest... I am not sure if that apology was completely sincere. I almost felt like she deserved it for being the ice cold bitch she has been to me. It was long overdue. I think she is more pissed at me now for it too... oh well. Wish I cared more but I have more important shit on my mind. She should worry less about her face and more about that bun in the oven she is carrying. Hiroko a mom... can't picture that and there is NO FUCKING WAY I am living with a mini Hiroko. Child of the corn for crying out loud. Alright, I am being a little too harsh now. I don't know why I have so much hate for this woman. Maybe because I see her as a threat? Eh, there are a lot of reasons but if I wrote them all down I would be here till labor day. I know one thing, Cory is going to kill me. Those two have some kind of unspoken love. Fucking gay.
Anyway, I understand why Sabina tossed those drugs. I am not angry with her, she was trying to help me. I see her as a good friend, almost a younger sister. I am not going to care if Kiara does hate her. Kiara and I are nothing after all... everyone needs to just get over that I fucking slept with her, Jesus christ.
Anyway, I am sick of writing. I hate anything that requires works. This, has actually helped some. Not sure how many more journals I will write though... I feel like some kinda of fucking queer. Oh, and if I get back and Sabina and Vesper have not fucked already I am doing to chain those two to a bed.
One other thing, someone needs to explain to that Helene chick that roids shrink your dick, not Heroine. Stupid moron. Next time I see her I will whip my cock out right in front of her fucking idiotic self so she can see for herself.
Alright, I am off. I am going to get as high as possible before detox. This page is starting to get blurry.
Where do I even start? Sabina seems to be fixated on getting me clean... and as usual I refused to listen to her or anyone for that matter. At first I was completely opposed to even thinking about detox because without drugs I have to live with the memories of my childhood. Drugs is the only substance that erases them even for a moment. I yearn for that high and that ability to forget. Without drugs, I am not sure I can survive remembering everyday what I went through but I am going to try... for myself, for Megan, for Riley, and for Kiara. I am losing everyone around me to this drug. I don't know if I have the power to go sober... people really have no idea how much I crave these drugs. I need to try though, I need to at least know on my death bed that I tried to change my life.
I am leaving South Dakota though. I had a flight last night but I got to high and missed it... great start, huh? I could go to the local detox but I won't last more than a week... I need to completely escape all the shit, drama, and people surrounding me. I am dreading this fucking trip though. a part of me is just not ready to give up these drugs, I really don't know life without them. Even if I leave detox, how the hell am I going to stay sober when I am thrown back into my daily living situation? Seems impossible really but going will get a lot of people off my back.
I know Kiara is pissed I am leaving and hurt. Doing this though, is the only way I will get her back. If I continue doing these drugs, I will lose her forever. My fear is though that I will get back and she will have moved onto someone else. If that happens, expect that I will be having my drug dealer back on speed dial. I am also losing Megan to this drug. I need to save her and being sober is really the only way I know how to bring my sister back to the right side of the tracks.
Oh, ready for the most interesting event? Sabina apparently found out I got caught with drugs and now run the risk of going to jail (would not be the first time I went to prison) and threw away all my needles. Lovely, right? At a time where my visions of my father were killing me. Apparently she didn't know when you throw away a addicts drugs they tend to go into a violent rage. I don't even know who that person was that night... I became a monster. All I wanted was to get high and kill something... I just needed to forget. Well, I blamed Hiroko for tossing my drugs. Why wouldn't I? That bitch has been out to get me since day one. So what did I do? Hah, I punched her. I felt bad afterwords, no guy should punch a girl no matter what the circumstances were. I apologized later though to be honest... I am not sure if that apology was completely sincere. I almost felt like she deserved it for being the ice cold bitch she has been to me. It was long overdue. I think she is more pissed at me now for it too... oh well. Wish I cared more but I have more important shit on my mind. She should worry less about her face and more about that bun in the oven she is carrying. Hiroko a mom... can't picture that and there is NO FUCKING WAY I am living with a mini Hiroko. Child of the corn for crying out loud. Alright, I am being a little too harsh now. I don't know why I have so much hate for this woman. Maybe because I see her as a threat? Eh, there are a lot of reasons but if I wrote them all down I would be here till labor day. I know one thing, Cory is going to kill me. Those two have some kind of unspoken love. Fucking gay.
Anyway, I understand why Sabina tossed those drugs. I am not angry with her, she was trying to help me. I see her as a good friend, almost a younger sister. I am not going to care if Kiara does hate her. Kiara and I are nothing after all... everyone needs to just get over that I fucking slept with her, Jesus christ.
Anyway, I am sick of writing. I hate anything that requires works. This, has actually helped some. Not sure how many more journals I will write though... I feel like some kinda of fucking queer. Oh, and if I get back and Sabina and Vesper have not fucked already I am doing to chain those two to a bed.
One other thing, someone needs to explain to that Helene chick that roids shrink your dick, not Heroine. Stupid moron. Next time I see her I will whip my cock out right in front of her fucking idiotic self so she can see for herself.
Alright, I am off. I am going to get as high as possible before detox. This page is starting to get blurry.