-what if (open)

[hiroko]

The slight ticking noise that the pocket watch gave off wasn't all that distracting or annoying but it served well enough to draw her attention for a second. Hiroko held the small silver watch close to her ear, listening to the ticking. Too fast to count, too many already gone past to make the future ticks matter. The watch was old, Hiroko didn't know how old really, but the face of the watch, beneath the surprisingly unscratched glass, the face looked weathered. Hiroko slowly lowered the watch and turned it over, the silver back glittering in the noon day sun. Now the backing was scratched but still very clean, very nice looking. Where had such a watch come from? Why, her father's things. But Hiroko wasn't a nostalgic kind of person. The past was filled with ghosts that could only haunt the present if you let them. Hiroko did, on occasion, she was human of course and humans thought of the past in their own concepts.

Many people thought you could learn from the past, others thought the past still influenced the future. They were both correct, really. With the past you could learn to avoid similar situations and the past influenced how a person developed, who a person was is simply the sum of their experiences. Nature vs nurture really. How much of a person personality was already 'programmed' into their being before their experiences altered who they were? People put in the same situation would handle it differently. A similar concept was the idea that your past self was a different person entirely, really. If you took you from a year ago and yourself now into a situation, would they both react the same? Probably not. Something you had done between those two points would either hinder or help you in that situation.

Slipping the watch into the pocket of her jeans, Hiroko leaned back against the wooden bench in the park. She was out and about. Many days Hiroko would spend hours inside, not really sleeping, not really doing anything or maybe she'd spend hours online. But today was a different sort of day of course, why else would she be outside if it wasn't? The simple fact was that, yes, Hiroko did in fact enjoy the great outdoors. She didn't spend much time outside, true, but the feeling of the warm sun on her bare neck and arms, the soft gentle breeze was good change from the usual dark settings of her dorm room. Being of the unhealthy sort, at least her doctors opinion was supported with the need for drugs, the outdoors probably even helped her feel better in long run. What did it really matter? The future was dark and unknown, the past a little bit like a blanket, something you could wrap yourself up in but had to be careful of overheating. Her health didn't bother the past, but it influenced that cold future.

Hiroko sighed, a long shuddering breath that made her slender shoulders heave up slightly and drop down quickly, as though the weight of something was tied tight around her, digging deep into the fragile flesh and bones. Her fingers gripped the edge of the bench on either side of her legs as she leaned forward, her long dark hair glittering in the sunlight. She looked down at her feet as she slowly kicked one foot out, brought it back underneath the bench while kicking the other out, a slow monotonous flow, making Hiroko think about such random things as the orbit of planets or the drifting of continental plates. Many people would probably be driven to tears or madness by just the sheer nothing Hiroko was doing, but she enjoyed it, at times that's what was important, to sit back, away from people and let everything ebb away, in the hopes that bleeding it out in a calm manner would keep it from becoming too painful in the middle of the night as you lay there in your bed, darkness enfolding you, all thoughts of what is and what was drifting through your head, only mistakes sticking to the inside of your skull.

[mouse]

There might have been a time,

[/font][/color]
When I would give myself away,

Oh once upon a time I didn’t give a damn, [/font][/color]
But now, here we are so whataya want from me,
[/center]

Vesper had a few things that he needed to do. One was to keep his grades up to his mother’s line of hope. The other was to try and keep his music up to snuff. It was a difficult balance to appease, but he managed for the most part. His math marks were slipped away before his eyes, but he knew he was a lost cause on that front. Why bother trying to scrape by on a course you knew you were destined to fail? He had the junior level, which was enough to graduate, so why was he taking senior math? His mother’s wishes. To most people he’d seem much like a mama’s boy, he always listened to her, always obeyed her wishes and never argued with her. Why? Honestly? It wasn’t worth the effort. She was always right, at least in her mind, so why argue? It was easier to just go with her flow, and avoid the confrontations. Did that make him a mama’s boy? Whatever, he had enough shit to deal with, he could take that too. It wasn’t even like he was really that much of a loser… But a lot of the people around knew him from junior high, when he’d been the newb, fresh from homeschooling. He’d been a dork then, a loser and no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t get that brand off him. One year… He reminded himself, that was it.

He had been studying, working his rear off in the library for a biology quiz he had coming up. He’d grown bored after a while, and decided that a walk was in order. It’d help to clear his head, and allow him to better focus on how a embryo formed within the first few months. Honestly, he was a bit lost in the subject, he thought it was awkward and would never need to know that junk. But he didn’t want his honours in biology to slip away because of his lack of focus on fetal development. Not that I even need it… He thought to himself, rolling his eyes. He wasn’t a girl, he really didn’t want (or need) to know what all was going on down there. And he was not the only guy in his class that felt that way. But the girls? Seemed to eat the whole unit up. Cooing about babies and passing on stories about family pregnancies. Yeah… Not his whole shabam. Hence why he was not into studying the junk anymore. He was glad the weather was decent, At least, decent enough to let him go outside without feeling bitter resentment towards the weather. He was wimp when it came to weather, he got cold easily and absolutely hated winter. He couldn’t wait to move to L.A. once he graduated and saved up.

He yawned as he continued on his stole, making his way through Drake Park, not really focused on anything. He had his songbook under one arm, a pencil hooked into the coiled spine of the notebook. He’d learned years ago that song writing was something that required you to have a book with you at all times. Scrap paper, a napkin, anything really. Ideas, words and sounds would hit you out of the blue and without anything to write them down with, you’d lose them. And usually, that was frustrating to someone as serious about music as he was. Sure, he had competition, he knew that. But he also knew he was more focused than a lot of them, he might not have their money, or a powerful relation. But he had skill; true, raw talent. After all, he’d been told he could have been a piano protégée if he hadn’t been distracted by his Dad’s old acoustic guitar. Not that he’d completely dropped piano, he still played it on occasion, but that guitar was more his style. He’d taken it to it like a fish to water, a shark to blood, a rabbit to garden vegetables. That was about the only thing that Vesper could thank his dad for… That guitar. He wasn’t about to thank him for the yelling that got him therapy for a year, nor the bruises that made the counsellor raise a brow. Nope. He just had that guitar, and that was about it. Well… And his last name, he did like his last name too.

Vesper turned a corner and continued up the path only to freeze slightly as his hazel gaze focused on a form that was all too familiar. Hiroko. He’d never met the girl face to face, but he’d spoken online and had heard all about her. Truthfully? Nothing he’d heard was good. She was brutally honest, rude and rather antisocial. Or so he’d heard. Vesper knew all about being labelled and being spoken about. So in all honesty he wasn’t sure he believed she was as bad as everyone made out. That didn’t mean he wanted to get cozy with her or anything, despite the good looks she was sporting. He just wouldn’t judge her until he at least spoke to her. Did he want to meet her? Not really… But he figured now was a good a time as any… And he didn’t exactly have anything else to do… So he moved towards the bench, clearing his throat to catch her attention as he neared. “You waiting for someone or something? Seems kind of odd to be just sitting out here all alone,” He said, without really considering his words before he spoke. But that was Vesper, leap without looking.

[/size][/center]

Just don’t give up on me,
I won’t let you down

[/font]
No, I won’t let you down, [/right]

Cred:Me || Song: What Do You Want From Me, Adam Lambert || Outfit:Click ||Tag:Hiroko!

[hiroko]

Glancing up slightly, Hiroko was pleasantly surprised to see someone she actually knew talking to her. Well, she didn't exactly know the fellow all that well, to be honest, you could only know someone so well from the internet. You learned a bit about the way they spoke, the way they pretty much acted while alone really. The internet was a strange place, giving people this blind to keep themselves a bit set apart from the others they were speaking to. Face to face conversations were harder for people, they could actually see the way you reacted to what you were saying. See the small flecks of unease, tension, mistrust, sarcasm, etc. This was also one of the reasons many people were uneasy about speaking in front of a group, so much facial information, you couldn't process how everyone in the room was feeling and it overwhelmed you.

But that was of no concern right now, there was no group and Hiroko never felt uncomfortable when speaking to someone face to face. She actually preferred it much more then online interaction, but she didn't get out much so online interactions was what she was left to. But this little fellow was someone she had spoken to at least a few times online, he was interesting, but only that. Why, it was Vesper Monroe, making Hiroko wonder why he would even approach her. She was known somewhat as being a bitch, and that was the kinder term. A roommate of hers, Trent Thompson, called her a sociopath, a cold hearted robot who had no feelings what so ever. Just thinking about Trent made Hiroko smile slightly, and she knew Vesper would probably see the smile.

"Ah, no, I am not waiting for someone or anything at all," Hiroko said with a simple shrug, glancing away from Vesper, her eyes moving across the park in the distance. People, out and about, living their lives, with things to do, people to see. Ah, sometimes Hiroko wished she was like that sometimes. Out and about with people, friends, it would be interesting really. Hiroko had never been much of a 'friend' person, even as a young child. Didn't mean she didn't like how her life was, why else would she continue on the same path she was on? If she wanted to change, she could, she knew she could. It would be hard but it was always possible to change, anyone could. No one really did, unless they wanted to for someone else. A silly notion, to change oneself for someone else. Hiroko had done it.

With a skeptical eye, Hiroko looked back up at Vesper. "'Odd'? Yes, I suppose it is odd, sitting out here alone with nothing to do but sit," With a small shrug she continued, "What about yourself Mr. Monroe? Why are you out here by yourself? Going to meet someone? Going somewhere? Or are you out here clearing your head? Maybe studying?" Didn't really matter why he was out and about the park, what did seem to matter, to Hiroko at least, was why he was talking to her, why after all the words going on around her about her? Interesting, maybe he was one of those people who thought she wasn't at all what everyone chalked her up to be. That she wasn't such a... jerk may be the best term at the moment.

Vesper did seem to be the type of guy that needed to stick his hand down the garbage disposal to find out if there really were blades down there. Not a bad trait, not at all, but it was silly to not trust what people said, including what she herself had said. Some people just couldn't believe that they could ask her whatever they wanted and they would get an honest answer. Maybe her cold hearted ways were what blocked many from believing anything she said. It always shocked people when they found out she had previously relationships with people. Sad really, even Hiroko needed to feel wanted sometimes.

He seemed like a sweet guy, this Vesper. Well, it was a good thing to get to talk to him in person then. She had a strange habit of getting attached to certain people, almost like a favorite book or TV show. Some of them were interesting, like she hoped Vesper was, he seemed okay, but she was sure that he had something locked away in his past, much like a certain Trent, but his was more obvious, as though Trent had plastered 'I have severe past issues, come poke them' on his chest. Ah, well then, maybe she could prod away this nice guy act from Vesper and get to the real meat behind everything. Maybe even jab him with this Sabina girl he had been talking to, connecting to really. If Hiroko had to read "wow, you understand me so well" one more time, she was sure she would strike one of them with a car shaped object.

[mouse]

There might have been a time,

[/font][/color]
When I would give myself away,

Oh once upon a time I didn’t give a damn, [/font][/color]
But now, here we are so whataya want from me,
[/center]

It was odd… She was just sitting there? Alone? That seemed rather odd to him. And it wasn’t like she had a book or something to amuse her… She was just sitting there on a park bench. He’d go nuts if he just had to sit there on a bench… And she was choosing to do just that. Then there was the whole thing that she knew who he was. His last name too. The girl was just full of surprises, wasn’t she? Really… She was just sitting there in the park, not actually doing anything… Who just sat there and did nothing? He figured she was probably thinking about something… Someone… Multiple things. Something along those lines. He definitely wasn’t about to pry that much into what she was doing. He’d heard a lot of things about the girl and none of them seemed to say questioning her was smart. Then again… Why not go out of the box and ask? What was the worst thing she could do? Not tell him? Woo… Because that was so very terrifying wasn’t it?. Of course… She seemed alright as of now, not the cold hearted bitch he’d heard about. But hey, first impressions weren’t always right. She could flip at any time for all he knew. That was the main point really, he didn’t know her. He didn’t know anything about her except her name and rumours. Hence why he’d chosen to talk to her. That he really didn’t have anything better to do at the moment…

“So… You’re just sitting out here. Thinking about something then? Letting the wheels in your head go? What are you thinking about?” He asked, mentally wondering if he really should just have asked such a blatantly nosy question. It wasn’t his business what she was thinking… But hey. She was talking to him, right? He couldn’t help it if he spoke without considering his words beforehand. He wasn’t really known for that… Then again, how was he known around the school? If people even knew his name it was probably a laugh to them. He was the school loner, the guy that everyone pushed in junior high, stole the glasses from and stepped on them. Oh yeah. Good times. Good times. Maybe he was bitter… Maybe that was why he avoided even trying to make friends. Made him tired of trying, only to be disappointed in the end. Which in turn made him antisocial. He didn’t even want to go to high school, he wanted to finish it at home. But no, his mother said he needed people skills. Because he was getting those, wasn’t he? He wasn’t going to lie… Since chatting online he’d started to connect to some people… Online and offline. That wasn't all a good thing either though... Sure, he was getting input on his work, talking to more people in the school… It was kind of scary. But he by doing that he was putting himself in the arms of other people. trusting them to treat him better than people in the past? So far... He'd only managed to hurt himself more.

Of course, it was only fair to have his questions shot back at him. He didn’t look much different then her… Except that he had a notebook and was walking, rather than sitting. And he was just a kid with curly hair and glasses… Not a rather attractive Asian woman. But other than THAT, they were pretty much the same at the moment. Both alone, in a park not actually doing anything. “I guess you could say I’m clearing my head… That would about cover it. I was studying, but am taking a break to get some fresh air,” He replied, giving his shoulders a shrug. Maybe he was partly lying... And maybe that was obvious by the fact his ears went red and his voice raised a little. He was taking a pause in his studying, but normally he'd just have gone online. He didn't want to, he was avoiding the chat room at the moment. There were some people he really didn't want to talk to, and some that he'd love to, but it simply wasn't easy to do so.

He stepped around the bench, moving to take a seat on the bench beside her. Why? Because he felt like a complete idiot standing there. He didn’t sit close to her, he sat at the end of the bench, careful not to look like he was obviously avoiding sitting near her. That wasn’t really his issue. It was more the fact that he was trying to be polite, they were hardly friends, they were meeting face to face for the first time and to be honest he was a little scared of her. So, to be polite, he’d sit a ways away.

“That and looking for some inspiration… If you know what I mean.” He added, patting his notebook as he placed it on the bench between them, though much closer to his leg. Truth was he'd been having a major block lately. He'd been having it because of school stresses, but those were gone and replaced with this bitter lack of interest. There was only one thing on his mind, and trying to write a song about it wasn't his idea of fun. He kept one hand on the cover in a protective manner. He really wasn’t fond of people looking through his songbook. Not that he gathered she had any interest at all. Hadn’t she said music was worthless online? He was pretty sure she had, so his songs were definitely the last thing she would be interested in… It was a habit though, and one he shared with a lot of musicians. And artists he’d noticed. A lot of people didn’t like people looking at their work unless they were looking for opinions. Which, at the moment he wasn’t, even if Hiroko was looking to give hers. She confused him a little… He’d heard all the rumours but she seemed to react differently to different people. At least that’s what he noticed. If it was Trent online, she ate him alive. If he and Sabina were talking, she’d make snarky comments through the whole conversation. But if it was just him, she seemed different. It intrigued him. It was like she sensed somewhere weak to bite, and would. Otherwise, she was pretty neutral. It was curious thing to say the least.

[/size][/center]

Just don’t give up on me,
I won’t let you down

[/font]
No, I won’t let you down, [/right]

Cred:Me || Song: What Do You Want From Me, Adam Lambert || Outfit:Click ||Tag:Hiroko!

[hiroko]

Sighing Hiroko couldn't help but smile when Vesper asked what she was thinking about. There you go, be curious, even with someone you didn't know at all, someone that everyone talked about, someone that others that of as a bitch, someone who deserved to be left alone, all for why? Being honest with people wasn't the glamorous thing your mommy told you about. People appreciated a few lies every now and then, it kept them happy, ignorant and happy would be the best way to describe how many people would rather be. They tried so hard to be but at the same time made themselves miserable by doing it. Lying to themselves was supposed to keep them from being hurt from outside influences, but it just ended up eating them alive. If a person lied to a friend, telling them that they didn't have any feelings for them, it would slowly eat them alive.

"Thinking?" Hiroko asked, as though the word was new concept to her. In actuality, she kind of was thinking, not really about anything important, at least not recently. She didn't spend much of her time thinking about important things, or at least the important things in her life. No, her time was spent thinking about the important things in other peoples lives, that was what she liked. "Sure, yes, I suppose I was thinking about certain things..." She glanced away from Vesper for a few heart beats, letting a few things chug through her mind. How to answer his question, to answer with what she had been thinking about or what she was thinking about now? A conundrum, either answer was plausible and neither one was a lie so she was safe with both.

"My family," She answered honestly, bluntly but with no real details, if he wanted details, he could ask for them, if he didn't she wouldn't care, if he did, the same. Please, no one cared enough to ask about people. Hiroko did, of course, she asked a lot, but her 'reputation' proceeded her, when she asked they assumed she was using it for ammo, not really trying to figure them out. She wasn't in it to hurt people, not at all, she just wanted know, if people got hurt as a byproduct, that wasn't her fault, that wasn't her business. People were the most interesting thing in Hiroko's world. Books, video games, old memories, they filled the void, the latter choice just filled her sleepless nights with tossing and turning in her bed. Vesper seemed like the type who let things affect him all day. The type that would withdraw from people just for the sheer fact that things were moving on, that these people wouldn't be there and that's what possibly hurt him. If he made connections and these people left, what then? He would loose the feeling to make connections with people if he lost people now.

An understanding mistrust of people, it made sense really. If he lost them now, it would hurt, hurt his want to find people later in life. Vesper understood that people wouldn't always be there, but it seemed like he also didn't understand that this would happen all the time in your life. People would leave, people would enter. An old quote that said many people had their entrances and their exits in the stage of life, and one man would play many parts during it. People had their time to influence your life and then, then they would exit, either before you, or after you, they would be influenced by your exit. Sometimes you influenced them more by the gaping void that you left. In all parts, high school, elementary school, middle age, you were influenced by everyone, the absence of your presence. Vesper's thoughts of avoiding being hurt, not being hurt, not hurting others, he still did that. By avoiding interactions, by pushing others away, he was still doing it. Such a blind boy.

Vesper was out for fresh air, the idea made Hiroko nod and then chuckle slightly. "Fresh air, yes, that's an idea," She looked over at Vesper as he sat down on the same bench of her. The superstructure of human socializing came into play once again. Vesper didn't want to sit too close, it would seem inappropriate almost, like he thought they were already friends or could possibly make her think he liked her for whatever stupid reason that might be. But he didn't sit too far, he didn't want to make it seem like he was intentionally avoiding her at all, didn't want to make it seem like she intimidated him or insult her by making her think that he disliked her. Growing up in Japan, Hiroko had learned many of the quirks of politeness, learned them quite well, and then ignored the,, quite easily, she hadn't been much liked by her schoolmates because of it.

"Maybe I should have said I was just out for fresh air, then I wouldn't of had to say anything at all," She smirked slightly, "But, but that would be dishonest, yes? I at least think it would be, and I wouldn't want to do that." Hiroko stroked the wooden bench slightly, looking down at her own slender pale hand as she did. With a forced, strained laugh she looked up at Vesper as he spoke about inspiration. "Inspiration can be found at most any occasion, or at least so I've been told." She nodded to the journal he had placed a hand on. "I suspect that is a journal of song notes. A person I once knew, a person who fancied themselves a poet once said 'music is what feelings sound like'."

With another brief chuckle she looked down at her lap and then again at Vesper, moving her hand up, now a bit shaky, to brush her hair out of her face. "As you know, I'm not much of a music fan. I wonder, if that quote is actually true, I wonder what that figures about how I fancy feelings." She shook her head and then focused on Vesper. "I would ask to page through your journal, but I know your type, fiercely protective of anything you write, anything you think up," She nodded slightly and continued speaking, as though thinking Vesper would want to hear any of this, "Why wouldn't you want people to read it before you perform it with music? Maybe because you can't give the lyrics their true voice without the music?"

[mouse]

There might have been a time,

[/font][/color]
When I would give myself away,

Oh once upon a time I didn’t give a damn, [/font][/color]
But now, here we are so whataya want from me,
[/center]

Thinking about her family. That wasn’t a very detailed answer in Vesper’s mind. Curiosity urged him to poke at the answer. She’d poked him about his Dad, it was only fair right? However, Vesper also didn’t want to talk about his family… so asking her would surely only get that curiosity shoved back at him. He wasn’t about to spill his history to Hiroko, even if she was sort of already guessing it. Guessing it or not, he wasn’t going to play extreme Dr. Phil and tell her that his dad left him before he was even born, that he’d spent his whole childhood waiting for the man to return. Then when he did turned out to be a rather violent drunk. Oh yeah, that’s exactly what he needed going around the school. Everyone knew Trent had Daddy issues thanks to Hiroko. They didn’t know what, but she’d made the exclamation a zillion times. Vesper kind of felt for the guy… Somehow Vesper was thinking someone had it worse than he did. At least, to fall that far you’d have to. Then again, what did Vesper know? He didn’t know anything. And he wasn’t about to find out, so why not just forget about it all? Because he was starting to get to know people. Online perhaps, but it was more socially involved than anything else he’d been doing. He was curious, he was more talkative than before. He didn’t like it. He’d spent far too long cutting himself away.

He imagined the school like a cloth or rather a poorly made quilt. At first he’d been casually stitched to the side. But as time went on he’d started to fall off. He’d desperately tried to sew himself back on, but it was always a lost cause. He’d get one stitch in and another would fall out. When he was sixteen he’d pretty much given up for a while and just let the stitches fall… But then he’d just cut them. Severed them really. It was easier to make yourself an outcast than to let others make you one. The less he tried to fit in, the more he slid by without notice… Which was exactly what he was trying to. Until he’d stumbled on that chat site… Now he was talking to people both online and off. That and the stupid prom had him now socializing with another member of the music department because he had to do a duet with her. So much for just ignoring everyone until he was graduated and gone. He made a mental note to lay off the chatting. “Family? Interesting… Miss them?” He asked before he could stop himself. A lot of students loved the dorms, his family lived less than twenty minutes away, so he could see them whenever. Some students he knew, weren’t as lucky.

Did Hiroko just laugh? Well… A chuckle. But it was still laughter right? Maybe it was weird, but he hadn’t really been able to imagine her as a laugher. At all. Dishonest? Hiroko seemed to be brutally honest, the girl that would never lie, no matter how bad that would make you feel. “Yeah… Being dishonest isn’t a good habit. Better to tell the truth right/” He said. Hypocritically of course. He didn’t lie a lot, but he chose to leave key points of the truth out. That was considered lying to some people, but not him. To him it wasn’t lying, it just wasn’t being entirely truthful and there was a big difference there.

Inspiration. And a strained laugh. That was more the laughter he would’ve expected from her. She spoke pretty true words, music was pretty much feelings that you could hear. At least his word was, he really only wrote songs about his feelings, his experiences or those he watched from afar. The music director said when he sang, that he felt the very emotion basis of the song, even if it wasn’t his. His voice, his face, his stance all apparently were influenced by the lyrics and music. It’d been a pleasant compliment to receive. It meant he’d be good on stage, that he’d be the guy that could make people cry with his songs. Which to him, would be pretty cool… “You say music is worthless… But for some people, it’s the best way to let their emotions out. A lot are too afraid to just say ‘Look. I broke up. I’m sad. I want ice cream.’ So they write a song about how they feel,” He replied slowly. After speaking he wondered if that was the right way to put it… She could easily throw it back at him…

He blinked. He really hadn’t expected her to want to look through his lyrics. Like she’d admitted, she was hardly a music lover… But she did kind of have a point in her words. “It’s incomplete to read lyrics off the page. You can’t find the music, it’s just a poem. Without at least one part of the instrumental part, or someone singing it, you can’t really judge it. A song can have amazing lyrics, but be horrible when listened to. So yeah… No true voice until you can listen to it.” He rambled. That was why his music director loved him… He was almost too passionate towards music. When you don’t have a lot of a social life, you tend to live within your hobbies. “You can look if you really want to,” he said before he could stop himself. He cursed his mother for teaching him to be so darn polite. If she was actually interested, she’d be the first person besides his mother and music director to look through the book. He secretly hoped she wasn’t interested and was simply trying to get a raise out of him.

[/size][/center]

Just don’t give up on me,
I won’t let you down

[/font]
No, I won’t let you down, [/right]

Cred:Me || Song: What Do You Want From Me, Adam Lambert || Outfit:Click ||Tag:Hiroko!